conflict of conflict styles

from evy's notebook

I've been talking about conflict with people a lot recently. Someone left a community I'm in due to conflict, and while I wish I could write out the whole fascinating story, I'm not going to do that in a public place. But there's an aspect of the conflict that I've been thinking about in a more general sense, and I want to write about some of the ideas I've been exploring around it.

Sometimes we talk about someone's personal conflict style as either direct or conflict-averse. Direct feedback-givers are described as honest -- they share their opinions quickly instead of letting feelings fester, and they don't feel the need to "fluff" what they say. Conflict-averse people are said to never bring up their feelings, letting resentment build until relationships spontaneously fall apart. Someone who identifies as "direct" might feel afraid that someone who is "conflict-averse" is always upset with them but won't tell them, and someone who is more conflict-averse might feel afraid when someone "direct" yells at them or talks through conflict with condescending or defensive tone.

I've seen a lot of direct feedback-givers think their style is better, but I don't think we should strive for either style. Sometimes it's better to wait to give feedback or work through conflict, e.g. waiting until a time when both parties can engage constructively, to prevent unnecessary escalation of the conflict. Sometimes there's no good time and it's better to talk sooner instead of later.

Here are questions I want to ask myself to better find a constructive place to engage in feedback:

Do I understand my feelings enough to give clear feedback? If not, can I prioritize time to journal or talk to a friend about it?
Am I in a good emotional state to explain my perspective with minimal emotionally-charged language? If not, what can I do to feel calmer and to feel more curious about other perspectives? Do I have a friend I can practice with to find kinder language?
Am I in a good emotional state to stabilize myself if the other person uses emotionally-charged language? If not, what can I do to help myself get there? Can I make a plan to help myself feel better after the conversation if it ends up being overwhelming?
Does the other person seem in a good place to talk through a conflict? If not, can I figure out a better time (asking directly, asking someone close to them)?
If I'm waiting until a better time to talk, how can I mitigate resentment that might build in the meantime, especially in how it might show up in interactions with them?
If I'm not confident enough in either of our ability to show up to the conversation without escalating the conflict, is there a neutral-enough third party that can help? Sometimes I just want someone who will witness anything mean either of us says (or doesn't say) or someone to make sure we each get a chance to speak uninterrupted.
How might either of our past experiences with conflict (with others or with each other) affect the way we're showing up now? If we've been hurt, what can I do to aid in our healing?

This is all assuming I want to heal the relationship and address the conflict. There are times when giving up makes more sense -- maybe I have little to gain by keeping the relationship, or I don't have the emotional capacity to engage in conversations that feel really difficult for me. But I think people often leave because they just don't know what to do, and I hope that communities can continue to explore and support each other through conflict to work towards a world where this is easier for all of us.