destroy it and see what happens

a play written in the neo-futuristic aesthetic | shared in evy's notebook

prompt: a time when everything changed

setup: evy sitting on the floor with a painting on black canvas and a bucket of paints

you know that feeling where everything's gone to shit, but the only way out seems to be through dropping things that seem... pretty important?

evy starts putting black paint over the painting they brought in. once it's covered, they start using the puffy paints to create a new design.

a year ago, one of the people i was dating would sometimes say "you're clearly miserable at work, why don't you *just* quit?" and then other times i would say "this relationship clearly is making us miserable, why can't you *just*... say kind things with some consistency?"

but, change is hard

i managed to make some changes though -- i'll share six of them with you

change one was moving from a studio apartment to a community home of fourteen people. i wanted to be less lonely, and i don't think i succeeded, but that's the thing about change -- sometimes it doesn't work out. that's what makes change so scary.

change two was switching my pronouns from she/her to they/them. it didn't feel like a big deal, just an experiment in changing ways i thought about myself. it felt easy and also easily reversible - and it was a change i liked, so that was cool.

change three was breaking up with someone i'd been dating for eight years. that sounds like a big deal, and it was, but it also wasn't actually that sad since i hadn't really been excited to hang out with him for several months

change four was going on sick leave at work. i didn't quit because i couldn't imagine a job that wouldn't destroy my mental health, but i needed a job to stay in the country... but i was crying so much that i was literally too sick to work. i ended up on sick leave for three months before i eventually quit.

change five was shaving my head! i really enjoyed having long hair, so this was the first change where i lost something i really loved, just to see if i would be happy with something else. and turns out having a shaved head is fucking dope, and i'm also really enjoying my short hair!

the last of these six changes was breaking up with the other person i had been dating. i was no longer crying because of work, but i was crying all the time about them. this was really hard and scary because they were central in my life, and i loved them so much, and i didn't know if i'd be happier without them ....but i totally was! it was great

change is so hard and requires so much bravery and patience. i don't fully know how i managed to get here, but i'm really glad i did.

looks at the new painting and shares with the audience if they like it better now