writer's group: dramatic shifts

from evy's notebook

prompt was "on the journey"

I've been thinking recently about goals, how I'm wandering through the world, and what the future will look like. Structure has been my safe haven for years. Predictable plans shelter me in their certainty. I look around me and find people with intricate road maps set out in front of them, and see suffering for future happiness, suffering for a sense of purpose. I also find people who chase whatever pulls at them in each moment and fall asleep at night wondering what they're moving towards. I know I can follow road maps without heavy sacrifice, and I can chase spontaneous joy while still moving towards something, but what does that journey look like?

What do I want to move towards? How do I want to move towards? I plan each day, week, month, but have few plans for years from now. I can imagine a myriad of possible futures, and I don't want to fool myself into thinking I can see what's in front of me. There's joy in scheduled play, coordinated collaboration, repeated rituals. I'm learning to also find joy in chaos, exhilaration in dramatic shifts, freedom in knowing I can change at any moment.

A month ago, I let go of something I loved and cried while sprawled on the dance floor as ease flowed over my body. Tomorrow I'll let go of something again and I have no idea how it'll feel, but I know it'll move me towards a better understanding of what I'm capable of. Tomorrow I'll stare into the mirror and see someone very different -- I hope to experience that again and again and again.