expectations

It's difficult to write anywhere without the pressure of expectation to write in a particular style, about particular topics, or at a particular cadence. I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head, and expectations both propel me to write and constrain me to silence.

A daily writing practice intrigues me. Daily creative practice doesn't necessarily fill me with flowing creativity, but it has taught me how to seek out creative energy instead of waiting for inspiration to strike, and it has taught me how to notice and nourish moments of inspiration. It helps me distance myself from perfectionism - when I fill a daily notebook, there is less expectation for each individual page, since it will soon be hidden among many more. In a daily notebook there is space for bad writing, and short writing, and weird writing, and spicy writing.

Writing in a space with no subscribers intrigues me. I love to discuss and explore ideas I've been thinking about, and writing for an audience spurs conversation which further propels me to write. But to write for an audience is to write for the expectations of an audience. I don't know how to send a newsletter without worrying about being "deserving" of space in someone's inbox. I don't know how to tweet without longing for likes and retweets. Connection to others is something I value deeply, and writing is a form of connection that is important to me. Considering an audience's expectations helps me create connection, but so often it also paralyzes me from creating anything at all.

This space is so fresh and empty and full of possibility. This notebook could be anything. It could be completely free from expectation - but it is not. There is, of course, the expectation that I write daily. There is the expectation that I experiment here, with a goal of becoming a better writer. And there is the expectation to be like those who have come before.

The first page of a notebook appears to hold so little expectation, since there are no other pages to compare it to. But in some ways it holds the most expectation - I don't see how I could have written today about anything other than why this space exists.