queer hindsight

from evy's notebook

from queer writing group. the prompt was around queer hindsight (memories before "coming out" that are obviously queer in hindisght) and suggested conversations between past, present, or future parts of ourselves.

am I queer? what does it mean to be queer? why am i here?

X: you're here because you feel drawn to think about this. don't let yourself rule yourself out yet.

i don't have aha moments. things move slowly. my perspective shifts slowly.

X: i'm proud of your ability to learn and grow and shift

i'm scared it will go away with age

X: it won't

i remember a time in third or fourth grade when i gave my best friend a valentine's day card and it said that i really appreciated her friendship and that i didn't know how to say it without sounding weird, but i loved her?

X: did you love her?

what's love?

X: don't pull that shit

i felt a strong draw to her. i wanted to be close with her. i didn't want to kiss her or anything. i wanted to describe friend love. she was confused by my card and seemed maybe uncomfortable and i felt really embarrassed.

X: why were you embarrassed?

was it because i made it sound like i was gay? i wish i knew. it's also embarrassing when someone thinks you have a crush on them. but it was like, more embarrassing with her. i think it's just uncomfortable to tell someone you really like them and have them feel uncomfortable in return. she was the center of our friend group. i wanted her more than she wanted me. i guess that's one way i've defined love in my life. a few years later a friend told me "love you like a sister" and i was like oh duh that's how you talk about friend love

X: what else do you remember?

i learned a few years ago that my first best friend's first gay crush was on me. i don't know what that means about me.

X: what do you think it means about you?

that i like to hang out with queer people? people having crushes on me doesn't make me gay. i told an old housemate i like intimate emotional moments and cuddles with friends, things he said were romantic, and he said maybe all my friendships are romantic. romance usually means something different to me though. an even deeper closeness?

X: what does it look like when you have a crush on someone?

flirting. a lot of heavy tension. a glimmer in our eyes. plausibly deniable touch.

X: what else?

a bit of fear. a bit of longing. a confidence that they like me and won't be uncomfortable. there's a kind of confidence i'm attracted to that i mostly see in men.

X: is that something you don't like?

i'm afraid that my attraction to new people, my idea of what a crush is, the suave confident intensity, is something that isn't actually healthy for me. i don't want to be attracted to these aspects of masculinity.

X: do you see those qualities in people other than men?

yes. the more i've distanced myself from the rigidity of gender, i've been paying attention to whispers of attraction to those people. but like, maybe that's still the same problem.

X: why do you turn away when you see people who aren't as confident or suave?

maybe it's not a good fit for where i'm at emotionally right now. or maybe it's a shame of those things in myself. i really don't know why i'm thinking so much about this

X: you're here because you feel drawn to think about this. don't let yourself rule yourself out yet.