tension (part 2)
from evy's notebook
You know what I miss? Sustained eye contact with a stranger. Seeing someone and thinking "wow they're cute", and now I'm looking at them, and wow they're looking at me!! I miss feeling that rush of adrenaline.
It's hard to experience that during these months of social distancing. I mean, it's not like I never see strangers on my walks - but it's really not the ideal environment for eye-gazing. For one, when I encounter someone, my impulse is to avoid getting too close to them. And I probably wouldn't be able to see much of their face anyways, assuming they're wearing a mask.
I miss coming up with excuses for casual touch. I wanna sit beside someone with my arm grazing theirs, with no spoken acknowledgment of the touch and what it means. Are we comfortable friends who don't even notice our arms are touching? Or are they also unable to stop thinking about how nice it feels to feel each other?
I want playful shoulder pushes, and hugs that last curiously long, and a face hovering inches from mine. I want romantic tension to consume me.
But how the fuck can anyone experience this in a world of social distancing? I can't even casually sit close to someone. Hours of logistical conversation are required to even experience a simple hug - where's the mystery and tension in that?
"I'd like to join pods with you so that I can flirt with you"
"I'd like to talk to your housemate about the nuances of covid risk so that I can hover my face inches from yours and see if we want to kiss each other"
It's funny how this is a time of so much unbearable uncertainty, and yet I find myself craving more uncertainty. But there are different kinds of tension, and I could really use some joy and play right now.