why i talk about kink

from evy's notebook

People are often surprised that I bring up kink so early after meeting someone. I can see why -- kink is often associated with sex and sex is generally a taboo topic in casual conversation. But kink is not just a part of my personal sex life, it's also a hobby and part of my everyday socializing. I like to be able to refer to a rope class just like I would refer to a dance class -- they're both classes where people gather in community to learn skills together. When people ask me what I've been up to or thinking about, there are often kink-related things I want to talk about that don't have much graphic detail, and so I've been experimenting with talking about it.

I also like to bring up the San Francisco kink scene because I think that people who are interested in kink would benefit a lot from the local events but might be too intimidated to go. I bring up the topic casually because it genuinely is a lot more casual and caring than many would expect. Several events and classes involve no sex and minimal nudity. People are very serious about consent, explicit communication, and creating space for people to attend events without having to try anything themselves. Also, the community around kink is full of nerds who love talking about communication and technique, and spend hundreds of hours developing their skills. Many people are queer, many people are neurodivergent, and there are people of a wide variety of body shapes.

There's a lot of benefits from attending kink events instead of only doing kink in private. Over a dozen classes are offered every month that teach consent, communication skills, and how to more safely perform various kinky activities. There are several kind and experienced kinksters who are happy to share stories and advice. Kink performed in public is also also a safer way to try something new or get to know someone than in private, since there are people around that can help if something goes wrong.

Kink is not just a sex thing, and I talk about kink because I want people to know that. Kink provides boundary practice through deciding and communicating how an activity will happen, and by using self-monitoring and safewords to enforce known and unknown boundaries. Kink provides many outlets for creativity including visual art (pretty knots, marks on a body), storytelling (make-believe, but also exploring the stories we create about ourselves), designing experiences to create suspense and surprise (which often requires creative iteration to sustain), and creating home-made toys. Kink is a container for affection that has clearly defined expectations (how casual is it? what will happen and what won't? how do we communicate if we're having a good time or not?) and for many this is much less intimidating than non-kinky sex. Kink provides opportunities to practice trust and vulnerability (especially when bottoming for an activity) as well as confidence (especially when topping), and encourages people of all genders to try both.

Kink is a combination of many of my interests: process, mindset, relationships of all kinds, art, and finding a healthy way of relating to power. It's a hobby of mine that I find interesting in mostly non-sexual ways, and I love talking to people about it and exploring the things I'm thinking about with them! <3

(note: if you know me and do not want to talk about kink with me, that is completely fine and i'd be very happy to respect that wish if you let me know!)