i can feel so much less anxious about almost anything if a friend (who is fairly knowledgable) is there to do it with me. we're less likely to get stuck with two brains, i can be less in my head and feel less on the hook for making good decisions, and it can remove significant decision fatigue. if they're being chill and nice, it just really helps me reduce my self-blame and shame if something suboptimal happens, which is sooo helpful <3
less covid more kisses
i want to ask more of my friends about their thoughts on cancel culture
feeling heavy but also held
i think it's a fairly reasonable take that if i feel dumb in front of someone then it's at least a significant amount due to the other person interacting with me in a confusing or condescending way
i feel like i've heard several stories now where one sibling fought with difficult parents and another sibling grew to resent them for it because the conflict was uncomfortable, and then the siblings were never able to feel close to each other after that
waiting in a very long and slow-moving line at the pharmacy to buy refills for a daily medication I ran out of yesterday morning and will need to pay for out of pocket
“most things are toxic to avoid being eaten, but when toxic mushrooms kill the animal that ate them they just get more food”
mushroom foraging is fun because it's like a hike but very meandering and exploratory and you stop regularly to check out cool-looking things
A+ experience, would do again
I feel like connecting with interesting people is in many ways the main focus of my life, and that's pretty fucking great
on page one of le petit prince and have already looked up 15 words. that means i knew ~80% of unique words for the page, which isn't too shabby!
i'm so exhausted.
but also
wow i did the things!! and i can say them all in a public place now!
i shaved my head, broke up with my partners, and quit my job. feeling prettttty badass <3
finally quit my job! i feel like today went almost as poorly as it could for still being pretty much fine in the end
it baffles me that all these medical places ask for my date of birth to confirm i am who i say i am. people post their birthdays all over the place!
there's an old friend from middle school that messages me every new years with the same death cab for cutie song, and we catch up for a while and then don't talk again for a year, and i think that's just such a fun way to know someone.
thoughts from today
I love how excited and affectionate I can be, and I love how often in my life I feel these ways. I love all the joy contained in me.
reflecting on anxiety that turns out to have stemmed from conceitedness
[hides under a rock]
interesting how spending time with people i really like can inspire me to be a better version of myself, but also i can feel safe enough around them to slip into the worst parts of myself
re-reading the crane wife and sharing it with new friends seems like a good thing to do at least once a year
my friend last night:
I was telling my parents about some of the people I talk to about emotions and how many of us journal and already have docs to share about things and my mom was like “Do you all just exchange emails about your documents…?”
my nose feels like it's gonna explode
and you might think it's covid
but it's snot
(or, at least covid seems unlikely given 3 neg tests over the last 6 days)
this morning i showed my ball of cat hair to my therapist and she was the first person to say “that's disgusting”
thinking about events in my past that could be considered traumatic, and what unfortunate things they've each seemed to have left me with:
help instead of going to bed i'm writing yet another document of lists
love as calm connection, as the feeling when your heart swells and grows so large that its light and its warmth holds more than just you
the cat was away for the weekend but NOW SHE'S HOME <333 wow i love her so much
lost one of my earrings AGAIN
i made a graph of people i interact with regularly and who knows each other! i love it
I remember so many French classes about vocab and verb conjugation but I have no memory of learning rules about articles?? Or did I just forget when/why to use “le” vs “du”
I'm pretty sure I've been cat-called way more since shaving my head, which is not at all what I was expecting
going for a run (which i never do) in the rain (v cold) in the dark (v good idea), what could go wrong?
it's too damn cold
me, shortly after reading about attachment trauma: weird why do I feel so anxious
appreciating how lighting channukah candles with friends spawns conversations about religion and ritual and culture
!!! ^___^
What's done What's done What's done is done That's the way the river runs
Nothing changes Nothing changes Nothing changes anyhow
lists salve my problems
light the candles then it's 4:20 light the bong
ok i'm pretty sure the light in my room (if it's on) goes off at exactly 10:24pm every evening
might fuck around and learn french
the ringing in my right ear is about 1930 Hz
me, shortly after reading a chapter about burnout: weird why do I feel so anxious
I need to remember to go out into the sun before it starts getting cold at like 3pm
been thinking again about how someone putting themselves down for being bad at something is often more unpleasant to be around than just someone being bad at something
like in partner dancing, i'd much rather dance with someone who is confident and friendly and having fun and messing up a bunch of moves, than someone who is messing up moves and super ashamed of it
the connection matters more than the skill
(skill is important too, though :p)
for the first time in a while I posted something on a platform that has metrics for how much people engage (likes, comments) and I forgot how that makes me feel hmmm
having a lot of small back to back nightmarish dreams and not into it
i think there are different kinds of confidence, different ways of expressing confidence. a difference between the confidence i want to be and the confidence that scares me in others. i can't quite put my finger on it yet, but i think it has something to do with how much space the confidence takes up in social interactions. but everyone gives and takes space differently. yeah idk
gonna be on an alumni panel tomorrow run by the computer science club of the university i went to, and am planning to spew some anticapitalist propaganda
i sure have a Type and i'm not happy about it
hair's gone now
getting pretty good at napping
dammit my hair really does bring me a lot of joy
singing all of the ultimate showdown from memory hypes me up every time
is it relationship anarchy or is it relationship libertarianism
shame masking anger // anger masking shame
naps to the sound of rain
yoga and tea to the sound of rain
bananagrams to the sound of rain
“capitalism is just nonconsensual findom”
that feel when you message someone's number, don't know if they have signal, but then see the second checkmark show up ^_^
the real issue I have with polysecure is that it doesn't use the oxford comma
confident and capable (and it feels so good)
muni and bart have distinctly different scents
drinking $10 juice through a paper straw
put a small temporary tattoo over my eyelid and it looks ridiculous
feeling very alone
feeling a lot of love for a lot of people
revolutionizing book clubs
over 24 hours with hives on a lot of my body, been enjoying showing them to people for their :o reactions
getting braver day by day
friendship is fucking powerful
you taught me how to trust myself
is it a scam or is it just bad design
“graffiti is the lichen of a city”
the head makes things worse
using substances to remember what it feels like to be less inhibited, noticing how good that can feel, practicing being less inhibited while sober. training.
it's so fun talking to people about how people kiss
“i think it's beautiful to dive into a problem not knowing whether it's solvable or not, or to dive into projects not knowing whether they'll lead to completion or to any reward and to just do it anyway. almost as if you were living your life as your life and not as a results factory for someone else. allowing yourself that kind of vulnerability means sometimes things hurt, sometimes thing don't work out, and sometimes we never know why.”
[source]
Show the way so we can see
Show the way the world could be
If you can do it, so can she
If she can do it, so can we
Show the way
Show the way the world could be
Show the way so we believe
therapist: are there any parts of your life you can feel secure in right now?
me: 😬
happy birthday to my mom's ghost
always a little too ambitious tilting the cup back
It's been a lot rarer for me to look in the mirror and like what I see for the past few months, idk what's up with that
getting my ears pierced!!!
been having so many conversations recently with people excited about the things i'm thinking about, and who are thinking about things i'm excited about, and it's very energizing <3
maybe some time soon i'll stop waking up feeling like my chest is folding in on itself
walk, walk, fashion baby, work it, move that bitch crazy
reading as meditation? when my thoughts wander (and it's okay when they do) go back to the page. learning to be more aware of and compassionate towards thoughts, help them not totally prevent me from doing tasks
i too have Thoughts about folks from hacker news coming through thoughts.page, and they are mostly negative
sometimes i feel like some people in tech (me) have the most contempt for tech people
love the feeling of wind blowing through my hair as i ride an ebike with no helmet
spacious little life transition moment yummm
bought me a new pyjama shirt from da share zone and very excited about it
sometimes i catch glimpses of a me filled with energy or calm or excitement or creativity, and existing in that body gives me hope for my future
went on a date and they wrapped me in their blanket for my walk home 🥺
put they/them on a name tag for the first time tonight ^__^
the relationship lasted as long as the average marriage, so at least there's that
notifications don't work if they only come through once you've already opened the app
been having a rough time
apparently i've been conditioning my hair wrong??
do dating apps make built-in chat really bad on purpose to encourage people to switch to their preferred texting clients? 🤔🤔
wearing socks without holes is pretty good and i forgot
fading in and out of consciousness and catching whiffs of dreams
escaping the local maxima
do I wanna pierce my ears?
i put my hands on my hips to air out my pits
kind of in awe of how hard it is to ask for things i want
it's taken a lot of self-control to not turn this thoughts page into constant emo anxiety posting over the last several weeks
playing milk & honey and laying on the bed as a machine outside hums the tonic note
ate all the pieces of a gummy sushi pack
i wanna get high and go to museums more
regularly breaking down in worry about being so anxious really feels like a there's always a bunch of fresh kindling floating around my brain waiting for little sparks to set it aflame
believe children are capable of complex thoughts and feelings, and they might even share some with you
anxious longjumper
there's a mosquito bite on my palm which is sort of impressive
thinking about changing my notebook timestamps to numbers – i find month words so much easier to think about, but also it's not very prettily aligned (august is way longer than july)
OH i can just do three letter month abbreviations in monospace? let's see how that goes
singing in a room without big or soft furniture, very good
tight
the more inconvenient it is for you the more covid-safe it is, that's how you can tell
now the game is how efficiently can i make myself cry after feeling v anxious, since that at least releases the awful physical sensation
people want to take care of me
is kissing more femme people solely to challenge engrained comp-het beliefs …problematic? or is it praxis?
a friendship framework someone once shared with me:
Interpersonal- Am I { happy | safe | inspired | playful } around this person?- Does this person bring new ideas or perspectives into my life?- Do I grow around this person?- Do we share common interests?
Organizational- Does this person proactively {make plans | reach out }?- What is the mental and time cost of making and executing plans with this person?- Do I see/interact with this person serendipitously?
Extrapersonal- Does this person bring new { people | places | hobbies | communities } into my life?
apparently this brand of headaches also comes with being able to hear my eyes move around sometimes, so that's cool
someone once told me that they keep seeing couples where a woman is wearing a mask and a man is not, and now i see this everywhere
it's funny how so many of my friends and i are all like “i want to be friends with more people who don't work in tech” but also we all work in tech and these are my friends
overheard Trouble in the corner store and now this beautiful piece of art is stuck in my head
do i want to make a series of posts interviewing people who decided to quit their jobs and not work indefinitely? why they did it, what went into the decision-making process, what they've gotten out of it
sleeped 14 hours???
how much of me crying in public more is me being more anxious and how much of it is me making progress on being less ashamed of being anxious
I want a nice soft place to land / I want to lie down forever
jealous of your joy
i don't want to be promoted if a prerequisite is complaining less about problems at work
body goes a h h h h
gonna start contributing monthly to a personal fund for buying art, so that it's (hopefully) easier to buy more expensive things i really like
cat nap 😻
wow i'm using discord for community home comms and really wishing zulip had better UX/UI because i reallllly want its core features for community home chats T_T
been finding more weird stuff in the lint trap (i.e. not lint) since doing laundry for someone who uses pant pockets
wish I got referral bonuses from my therapist
journalling is magic, though possibly also I've trained/cursed my brain to keep thinking about something unpleasant until I've gotten a chance to write it down
“Don’t hate the player, hate the systemic incentive gradients that motivated their behavior.” source
self-compassion for self-contempt
hug my friends goodbye
impact play with sweetarts rope leaves impressive marks
turns out it's possible to cry for reasons other than emotional overwhelm
I'm delicious 😋 43 mosquitoes can attest to that
sulfuric farts
my hair was last cut 2 years ago damnn
tho i love the way it tickles my waist when i wear crop tops
twitter bad. garden good.
I've been told I'm basic, but not any particular cohesive kind of basic, more like a smattering of different types of basic
so I'm basic, but not in a basic way
I seem to have developed a pretty good intuition for when my toothbrush timer will go off
sour skittles are sooo sour and delicious
maybe I have enough energy to start reading nonfiction again?
collaborating with others to create something is one of the best feelings
how am I supposed to focus when all I want to do is cuddle
so happy for my friends and i that we can now nerd out about how to kiss new people
he was in my dreams again
the placebo effect of “maybe it's just placebo effect”
in the past week I've seen two dogs that, while playing fetch, return the ball by gently placing it on the walkway and letting it roll down back to the person who threw it
looking at pictures of me in my old room where i lived for over a year
missing that homey happy feeling so much
a thought from 3 years ago:
I really like being in parks (especially Washington Square Park in NY) and the feeling you get in them where it’s like nothing else in your life matters and it’s just you and the grass and the sun, and it’s so calming and grounding. When you enter a park, the other people there also feel that way. It’s a place everyone goes to escape the rest of life. People playing on swings, or biking/running, sitting on a bench and doodling, etc. These are the kinds of people around you and so you also feel this calmness. Kind of like studying and libraries, or parties and being open/having fun. It’s neat how the atmosphere of physical spaces can be shaped so strongly by the things people do in them and how people feel in them.
very good day today, so many good things!
new moon new me
a stranger was mean to me :(
I gave some writing review this week, and recieved some helpful and collaborative feedback on my own writing, and it reminded me of how fun and creative and strategic and satisfying writing can be. It's so nice to feel that curiosity again. I want to remember that writing isn't only satisfying in the attention I get for it, but in the ways I can take an idea and express them in clear and/or interesting ways. Though I guess part of what defines something being clear or interesting is in how people read it? Which just comes back to writing being so much more fun as a collaborative activity.
Communication and collaboration!! <33
I put some small marshmallows into my hot chocolate but then they dissolved. Gotta gobble them up quick!
every workplace should have (good) training for how to run and participate in meetings effectively
What comes first, the green light or the white man?
Why do most English letters rhyme?? Makes it so hard to spell things out for people
coat on coat off
why am i so afraid of being uninteresting
What's the difference between real and perceived power?
sometimes I think about how much more interesting I could be if I wasn't sad so often. but what a sad thought…
for months i've desperately wanted to do more long-form writing and also found even the idea of it exhausting. i'm taking a week off work next week and would love to end up doing a bunch of writing. we'll see!
my phone won't load gmail or zulip without immediately crashing, so I guess that's one way to address my phone addiction (or at least, limit any access to work things)
fuck covid
i miss choir
guilt as an ego thing /// moving away from “i'm bad for doing that” (focused on other's perception of myself) towards just caring for others and myself
i keep panicking in video games and spamming buttons without paying attention to when the enemy is going to attack me (which would have helped me properly dodge the attacks)
and hmmm “panic less, and pay attention more so you can learn more” seems like a good life motto
but it's so hard!!
i told myself i'd stream hades for 45min then stop to go to sleep if no one joined
and 45min later was like, aww too bad no one ended up watching, and went to end the stream, but turns out i never started it 🙈
but anyways i feel like i'm finally feeling competent with the spear!!
I like the smell of the gunk underneath my toenails
wise words from my journal three years ago:
I wish it was more socially acceptable to talk about poop
proud to have consumed coffee fairly responsibly today
(i keep craving this vanilla coldbrew from a nearby coffeeshop, but coffee often makes me v anxious fuzzy-brained, so i drank half and put the other half in the fridge)
when looking into fixing a problem exacerbates the impact of the problem
you gotta consider emoji support if you're making a dark mode
recently learned that snafu is an (excellent) acronym
stop calling things “covid safe”, you can't make anything perfectly safe, you can only do some set of things to help it be safer
(but if you don't say that set of things, then it's extremely vague how safe it is!!!!)
after years of quirky mismatched socks wearing, I'm finally pairing up my socks when they come out of the laundry :o
I beat the final boss of Hades on my first try!!!
playing Hades has gotten the one song I know from Hadestown (Epic III) stuck in my head a lot and now I'm thinking I might want to watch/listen to the whole thing
looks like I'm putting my workplace on a PIP again
wow the dunking face in ice cold water trick actually works, cool
can one person be another's valentine but not vice versa?
Just passed three ~9-year-olds on the street. One was eating a pushpop, another was eating a ringpop, the third was eating fundip.
five clicks to get through burrito checkout is too many
me (wearing a company-branded baseball cap backwards): do I look cool?
alan (absentmindedly): yeah!
alan: you look very silly
me: …silly isn't cool! :c
there's this thing i learned in therapy where if you can't stop crying you can dunk your head in ice water and it helps you calm down, and I've been waiting for a chance to try it but jokes on me ice water sounds like no fun in the winter
“this is a safe space” is meaningless and makes assumptions. if you want to help people feel safe, describe the ways the space is set up to try to help people feel safer.
I don't like how cold rainy season is but I am so loving the sound of rain <3
buying things online has definitely become much easier since i added my credit card to my password manager
friends helping me build video game skills has been very fun and rewarding
sometimes I wish I could emoji react to emoji reactions
I wanna be held
i love watching people in skate parks, i love the skater aesthetic. maybe i'd learn to ride a skateboard but i think my risk tolerance is too low for that
oh I already said that
getting real tired of being tired
tired of being tired
i keep thinking of things to write notebook posts about and then convincing myself it's not worth it
retail therapy
but buying something i've been meaning to buy for months and procrastinated deciding on
nice
pair programming is just so much fun sometimes <3 programming and making things can be such a joy
deliberately not writing down project ideas, to avoid them becoming burdenful todo list items that I regularly consider and think “nah not now” as I condition myself to never be excited about them again
i wanna be in a musical some day
“use vacation time to do cool things i’ve been wanting to do and exited about” vs. “use vacation time to just lay in the sun for hours and have zero expectations of myself”
(yes, i can have minimal structure or expectations of myself and still end up doing cool things)
Picked up some food today, and then, for the first time all year, wished I could sit inside the restaurant to eat it :c
too tired to think clearly?
too hungry to think clearly…?
… too tired to be hungry enough to eat enough to think clearly??
shovelling food into the calorie hole
I regularly think about how I kinda want all my journals (and maybe also correspondences with people?) to be open for people to read after I die - but this also could hurt people or reveal other people's personal things and yeah idk seems complicated
shaved one of my legs a few days ago and haven't gotten around to shaving the other one yet
i say i spend maybe too much time hanging out with friends, but also
damn talking to friends is so often interesting and motivating and energizing
I've almost memorized all the street names of a 10x18 grid I've lived within during most of my time living in SF, and I feel like that's pretty neat
life hack: put the PJs in front of the heater for a lil while before putting them on
shower timeeee and the livin is easy
today i learned the word “petrichor”
turns out my channukah candles are no-drip and the way that works (or so my dad says) is there's an outer layer of wax that burns more slowly so it makes a tiny cup for the melted wax as it vaporizes so that's pretty neat
one of my favorite parts of exercising in winter is it makes me toasty warm
perhaps i would like to get better at controlling how detail-oriented i am. sometimes i review a piece of writing or a PR and really should only be commenting on high level things. but all the wrong details are so distracting. maybe the solution is to still notice them and just not comment on them
feels good to do writing review for people and say things they find helpful!
I keep finding mysterious shallow cuts on my thumbs, where do they come from?
had some weird dreams last night, mostly forgot them at this point, but i think they were mildly stressful but not close to nightmare level of stress
i wonder how much the emotional quality of my dreams affects how restful my sleep is
the sky was really pretty tonight around sunset with an almost full moon, and I tried to take a picture, but of course the moon was too small. it's weird how the moon seems so much bigger when I see it directly but not when I take pictures with my phone? why???
keep catching up with people and just sharing all the meh things happening in my life lately, realizing maybe i don't actually want to talk about those things with people and think about it all again? gotta find some other things to talk about with friends
been thinking about reading a bunch again, made a goal to abandon 20 books (i.e. read at least a chapter and not finish)
i'm most motivated to clean right when i'm supposed to be getting ready for bed, because the only thing i want to avoid more than cleaning is getting ready for bed
It's weird hearing everyone talk about Thanksgiving as this big thing. I could say it feels weird because it's a colonialist holiday or that holidays in general often feel weird to me, and that's some of why, but I think it's mostly that I never really celebrated Thanksgiving (even Canadian Thanksgiving growing up) and I don't have any sentimental attachment to it while it seems like a lot of other people do.
me: writing something complaining about how long pieces of writing is mostly just fluff
also me: taking a previous draft of this writing and making it longer
constant tension between “leave that thing out so that I'm inspired to interact with it more” (books, instruments, art supplies) and “ugh there's too much clutter, put things away out of sight”
the sound of rain is so pretty and calming <3
who the fuck would think it's a good idea to respond to “I don't think you understand what I'm saying” with “I completely understand what you're saying”
when will i learn to just fucking eat before my brain becomes a hungry mush 🙃
thinking about diversity of inspiration, iteration on existing ideas, the feeling of ownership and creative energy
good morning, garden 🌱
testing thoughts from a form page
feeling afraid of lonliness and dark evenings alone in my studio
i could finally study jazz, i could finally learn several things i've been wanting to, or read more, but i'm just feeling this itching for making something big?
like, i kinda want a project, a longer term thing with several fairly different pieces that all have to come together over a longish period if time (with checkpoints of partially complete versions along the way). sort of feels like i want a big coding project?
but do i actually want a big coding project? :/ what non-coding things feel like this? what (coding or not) would feel meaningful or useful or cool?
seems not ideal to chase a feeling rather than a specific idea, but i guess i'll keep the idea-prongs out there
wow i set up my phone to be able to write thoughts from it! with code on my phone!!
organizational initiative as a love language
i downloaded a new habit app again. thinking of just having a list of all the things I might enjoy doing and not worrying too much about doing them a lot. just keeping them there are a reminder. it's nice to switch up habit systems regularly, since i feel like like it's nice to have a sense of novelty, and it's an opportunity to switch up how i'm doing things
watching a health care enrollment zoom presentation right now, is strange and unnerving on so many levels
i wonder when i'll stop having dreams about flirting with my childhood crush
i want to expand my pod and everyone's covid safety-precuation situation is so complex and i hate how much effort it takes to have these conversations to the depth that i want mrah!! communication is hard but important
i think i underappreciate reading as a low-key activity
like, even if i'm not in the mood to read, the act of sitting around and staring into space and thinking when i'm not actually reading – it feels relaxing in a way that sitting around without anything in particular to do often isn't
been observing more consciously when i feel like listening to music vs not, and when songs are especially stuck in my head
it seems like songs being annoyingly stuck in my head is correlated with anxiety (like, there is stickiness to the song the way there is stickiness to my thoughts)
and also when life feels too stimulating, generally music also feels too stimulating (though this isn't always the case)
still haven't found any fully consistent patterns, but it's interesting to notice
new 2020 goal: be one of those couples laying down snuggling in the park in the sunshine
why are so many things bad –> maybe my standards are just really high –> wow i'm so pretentious –> but also dammit i wish people were more competent at things
trying to move away from the good/bad dichotomy
but !!! !!!!!
i feel like i'm getting better at reading, or at least getting more practice in it
sometimes i'll read a sentence i don't understand and decide to just move on, i'd like to maybe learn to do that even more?
i'm in a book club and we're reading some essays that are hard to understand easily, and i feel like despite feeling confused while reading the essays, i come out on the other end knowing approximately what the author was trying to say and that's extremely satisfying
i also enjoy taking notes on pieces of the writing i find confusing but seem like they might be interesting, as conversation starters, and that's been working nicely too
biking is such a great time for thinking
from my journal a year ago:
> I keep thinking about how someone said my ‘type’ is ‘sad computer boy’ lmao > > I feel like it's more ‘quiet nerdy boy that is thoughtful and artsy’ (though they probably have significant overlap)
making this garden site is possibly the most uncomplicated very nice thing that has happened in my life for all of covid
look I have thoughts on this tweet
5 x 5 = 25 is Friday energy because of the fives. Friday is the fifth work week day, and Friday even looks and sounds a bit like five-day
7 x 3 = 21 is Wednesday similarly because Wednesday is three. 3 is three. 21 is 2+1=3.
7 x 7 = 49 is Thursday is a little harder, but my best guess is that 7 is the generic “better than average but not 100% of the way there” number and Thursday is the same mood. And also 4 is in 49
do other people feel this too? or am i just coming up with silly stories for feelings that cannot be explained
i sat down and closed my eyes, and just saw conveyor belts
anyways playing factorio has been quite fun so far
new name for the bishop that's easier to remember: diagonal dude
feeling some deep “fuck 2020” vibes rn
was grateful when i woke up and saw some sunlight, how is this my life now?
i just want to be able to go outside without the air being unhealthy to breathe?
in some ways it's comforting to share this experience with many others, but it's also hard to witness so much suffering when I am barely getting along myself
i just want to be excited with friends
i just want to feel inspired to make things
i just want to stare into a stranger's eyes and smile
i just want to sing harmonies with someone in the same space
i just want to exist in a space that isn't this house
this house is becoming the space where i am sad
how do i undo that
how do i escape?
there's nowhere to go
floating in the space between moments of fresh joy, waiting for the next one
big toe toenails are so big. like, if you take all the other toenails on a foot and combine them, do they even make up the size of the big toe?
slow streets are overrated
there are so many more people walking and biking on page than on waller which is 2 blocks further and has barely any car traffic
reading my journalling from a year ago and was amused by this
> It's funny, I say in my newsletter and stuff that it's hard to describe burning man, but I think I actually wrote that for burning man people who say it's hard to describe, because I don't want them to read my thing and feel like I'm simplifying it. But like, I can put words to it, it's not that hard
bless the sun and xer children
thank you, pink in the night, for being such an incredibly satisfying crying/longing song
that feeling when I've copied something but not pasted it yet and it feels like I'm holding it in my fingers, and gotta remember it's there so I don't overwrite it
and the release when I finally paste it again and am like “oh right! good, glad that's still there”
i should really install one of those things that holds my copy history …..one day
ugh sometimes I write with capital letters and sometimes i don't and it's been kinda hard to find patterns for when I'm in the mood for one or the other (does it depend where i'm writing? what i'm writing?)
definitely one thing that makes a difference is being able to use linebreaks or parens to separate ideas. I'm not really that into using only a period to separate two sentences, capital letters help with the visual separation. Usually when I end up writing a paragraph instead of a line, I'll go back and update the first letter, but I'll leave it here to make a point
also the thing that's maybe the most interesting to me is some people's names I'm more likely to use capital letters for than others? i imagine a lot of this is how people write their own names
been thinking about the the state of “chill”, not as absence of anxiety, but as perspective in the face of difficult situations, a trust that things will work out
i think it takes a lot of privilege to feel like things will all work out, but if i got it then i'm def gonna use it to nurture my mental health and relationships
i feel like a year ago i'd never have described myself as chill
but …maybe …i would now?
a year ago i was in a car heading to burning man… time is wild yo
voice calls (as opposed to video) are often less personal (bc people are distractingly looking at other things, and can't see each other's facial expressions)
but sometimes the voice call is most intimate
laying on our beds together, eyes closed, like pillow talk
this thought comes to you from a new laptop!! hopefully the script still works lol
people tell me I'm very emotive with my eyebrows and I wonder if this helps me communicate while wearing a mask ^^'
i feel like i've gotten pretty good at noticing opportunities for joy, pursuing them, and savouring resulting good feels
I REALLY LIKE WARM WEATHER and sunshine and the way the air hugs me
it's like real summer
brings back such happy summer memories
o shit the cad->usd is almost back at the rate i was using pre-covid (when i was halfway through moving money to usd)
nice
got a mosquito bite on my ankle again, in just the worst spot where both my shoe and pant leg rub against it
i don't think about “acts of service” as a love language much, but wow it really is so nice when a task that feels quite difficult to me is something a loved one is happy to help me with <33
played myself once again by eating at weird times, such that i want to go to bed now but am suddenly very hungry
someone told me recently that “hope you're doing well” is a classic response for being nice to someone when they reach out but you don't actually want to have a conversation, and it's so true
i haven't seen my partner in over 6 months, but he found one of my hairs with some of his old hardware ^_^
been having a lot less thinking energy lately (or it runs out faster? am i using it more intensely?) and it's not super fun
took me a while to realize that when my metallic sharpies stop being metallic and more dry, I can just store them vertically (tip down) and they get shiny again
omg i just guessed A440 and got it right?!?!!
i seem to only come up with “thought” thoughts when i'm away from the computer, which is a problem because then i don't have a computer to enter them onto
i love a good satisfying burp, but even better is when it tastes like something delicious i ate recently
new yoga routine:
i feel like i'm always eating only enough to stop being hungry, never enough to actually be full
i'm living with a kitty and all day she long she just sleeps, plays, curiously explores her world, and shamelessly seeks attention from the people around her. and she does this all while being extremely cute
#goals tbh
Someone once told me I was very wise and emotionally mature for my age, that I had so much career potential, and that I should savour that before I got older and was just normal for my age. She said that's what happened to her.
When I was young, people were really impressed with my singing and songwriting skills. I didn't spend that much time developing them, and so I feel like I'm “good” at singing now but not impressive in the way it was for me to sing well when I was seven.
I don't think this person's advice was that great, and I think if I continue to think carefully about the things I care a lot about, I can still be “remarkable” later in life (though maybe I want to reconsider my desire to be “remarkable”). But I still think about what she said every so often…
the attention to detail in this video brings me much calm joy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVX_WSpqJ5w
there's a path through the park i've found that i really enjoy, but i'm scared that if i walk through it too much it'll get boring and stop being magical :c
i've been mostly avoiding thinking about (and therefore missing) activities from The Days Before, but climbing a tree today reminded me of how fun rock climbing is…
this morning it took me like 3 or 4 tries to check the time when i woke up, which was important because i had a morning meeting. the first few times i looked, i was actually dreaming and it was a different number each time.
this actually happens to me kinda frequently, and while it's sort of annoying, i mostly find the blurring between reality and dreamland pretty fun
just spent an hour scrolling through every single hank green tiktok (https://twitter.com/hanktiktok)
i….really like hank green
I said I was hungry and my housemate made me a grilled cheese with mushrooms and… that was the first time in months I've been fed without having to think about what I wanted or put in effort to get or prepare the food. Wow it feels real nice
i need to fix this thing so i can feel better —> i need to feel better so i can fix this thing
At some point several months ago I started a habit of wrapping up catch-up conversations with “is there anything you're looking forward to soon?” when I didn't have any other easy transition to end the conversation, and I feel like it's an A+ conversation tool. It does have the unfortunate side effect of being quite depressing if someone doesn't have anything they are looking forward to :x
i've been informed that the colour of my eyes is “like a rock in a clear stream” (the top left rock) and this is a very soothing thought
memorizing a poem is neat because I'm carefully noticing and thinking about every single word of the poem in a way I never would if I were just reading it
bedtime routine, 2020
I turn my phone on airplane mode to create a clean break from the internet and the apps. Bedroom and hallway lights are turned off in favour of dimmer lights like fairy lights and a nightlight in the bathroom. I open the door between my room and my housemate's room, and we chat as we stretch together, releasing tension in our bodies and minds.
bedtime routine, 2005
My mom sits on my bed and sings me goodnight songs. She sings the shm'a, since connecting to our jewish roots is important to her despite us not being particularly religious. She sings Amazing Grace, but replaces the word “wretch” with “soul”, since she is uncomfortable with calling oneself a wretch. She sings Hush Little Baby, which I can still recite from memory. She used to be self-conscious of her singing voice, but my dad helped her feel confident enough to sing lullabies. As she leaves, we say to each other: “good night, love you, see you in the morning, sweet dreams” (always those four phrases, always in that order) and then “love you!” again at the end so it's the last thing we say to each other before sleep.
rituals with people are really nice
a ceremony for the full moon:
--- connect to nature
--- fullness of the moon // fullness of our lives
list some things you're grateful for. take moments of silence when you want to think of more things. when you feel done, say “thank you”, now it's the next person's turn
--- what would you like amplified or illuminated within you?
(each person answers)
--- connect to art
each share a poem or song with the group
called my friend tonight who introduced to me two terms she uses that I thought were neat
my housemate was memorizing a poem today, just so she could recite it whenever she felt like it. this feels very appealing to me. i've considered memorizing When I Am Among the Trees before, and maybe i'll actually do it
somehow over shelter-in-place i've transitioned from having my todo list mostly in asana to having misc todos and notes in a markdown file on my laptop…. seems fine? (though I probably want to put git on it and commit daily to keep some history idk)
writing a list of the ~30 small things weighing on my mind is extremely cathartic, would recommend
I've been thinking about the labels of introversion/extroversion and people who “recharge” from alone time vs people time, and I'm wondering if people identify this way because of ways they've learned to spend time alone or with people
How many “introverted” people find socializing draining because haven't developed the toolkit or social circles to help their connections with people feel energizing and nourishing? How many “extroverted” people find alone time unpleasant because they haven't figured out what solo activities they enjoy doing on their own?
working remotely during covid has helped me feel a lot more optimistic about being able to move out of SF to a less techy city - I'm more confident now that I could be happy working a remote job (though I'd want to work with super social/collaborative people, and idk how many of those folks would work on remote teams post-covid instead of going back to offices)
i moved today! some thoughts:
a friend was thinking about how to know when you're in love with someone and asked me about it
I have a lot of thoughts on “being in love”, which are mostly that I don't think there's a set definition for it, and lots of people experience love differently than each other, and differently at different points in a relationship, and differently for different people. These days I find it kind of strange that people say they love each other without really knowing if they're even experiencing similar kinds of love - though also, who can really know what anyone else is actually ever feeling?
Usually I label my feelings as being “in love” when I feel this deep affection for and desire to be close to someone, and it feels comfortable and just so nice. I think sometimes this is infatuation, but I would consider this a flavour of love? (and it blends into other kinds of love in ways I can't even really separate) and often I won't tell someone because that's sort of taboo to say it so quickly
The first weekend I started dating someone, they told me they loved me but also added a disclaimer for what they meant by that, and now I like to think more about what I mean when I say I'm in love with someone. Sometimes it means things like: I feel really happy around them, I trust them a lot, I deeply want good things for them
I wish fewer people felt self-conscious singing (esp in somewhat public spaces) but singing happy birthday seems like one of those things where it's more socially acceptable to sing it badly, which warms my heart.
asked my housemate about her thoughts on reading today and she said: skimming a written passage is like drinking soylent - sure you took the shortcut, but did you enjoy it?
the idea of being a “good” reader is appealing to me - to be able to read things quickly, read wordy things, skim a long piece of medandering writing to find takeaways…
I've talked to so many people who don't read much but say they want to, or feel like they should. I wonder if we overvalue reading, vs things like conversation or video or reading short things - all of which also educate and entertain. Why does reading a book or long article about a topic feel more legit than learning about it through blog posts, tweets, youtube videos, and conversations? (I feel like it's something about perceived depth and rigour)
But it's not just about books. There's so much content on the internet that seems useful and interesting, and if I could read faster, read more complex language, read longer passages without my eyes blurring over… that seems like it would be really great.
I go back and forth on this. Sometimes I try to build reading habits and prioritize learning through reading, and it feels good to do that in my downtime instead of scroll through social media. Sometimes I feel like it's not worth priorizing energy towards it. I haven't explicitly focused on building reading skills (I guess I assumed I'd develop them by reading more) but maybe that's something worth looking into.
love playing the “why does my body feel uncomfortable” game
shower thoughts:
tajin mango is sooooo good
I've been at my new job for just over half a year now, and it's the first job I've had in a while where I feel happy, and supported, and like I'm learning lots and working with people I trust.
I put in so much work to find a job like this, and essentially am still only here because I got lucky in many ways. I still can't believe this is real? I hope I can always set the bar this high
emoji reactions are often appreciated but still imo strongly underrated
they validate, show solidarity, build community culture, are opportunities for creativity and humour and play
they're just… so good
attention-seeking is just a flavour of connection-seeking, often with a dash of power-seeking added in
today's meditation: standing in the kitchen, eyes closed, enjoying warmth in my palms as I hold a bowl just taken out of the dishwasher
having gummy vitamins is dangerous because i get hungry and am like oo gummies no no don't eat as snacks
github.com hasn't been loading on my laptop for several days (but other websites work fine, and github.com loads on my work laptop and phone) and it's so strange, and it's been fun nerdsniping people into teaching me about networking (and …nerdsniping myself into wanting to learn about technology outside of work, lol)
fuck my uterus (any place I post thoughts should have at least one complaint about the pain and inconvenience my uterus causes me)
lay down in the grass and watched clouds pass by, clouds are pretty neat
i think i've developed a real puzzle addiction, so i've been setting timers while i puzzle so that i force myself to get up
when i decided i wanted to send people postcards, i didn't really consider that this form of writing is generally casual and lighthearted, due to the format of it being readable by anyone
… i guess i gotta learn how to communicate like that now :p
can i approach moments of deep emotional discomfort with curiosity? i learn all these strategies in therapy and whatever, and these are the moments where i get to actually try them out and see what works. i want to better understand what motivates my anxieties and anxious moments are my chance to observe them.
but alas it's so daunting and unappealing sometimes
my smol thoughts so far aren't as smol as i was expecting ^^'
how private what I write is
barrier to seeing it
interaction
discovery of new content
wasn't sure if i wanted to wake up to see the sunrise this morning
but then i had a dream where i missed my alarm and woke up at 10am and was sad
then i “woke up” into another dream where I woke up only 15 min before sunrise and was rushing to get ready and leave
then i woke up for reals, 2 min before my alarm (50 min before sunrise), and i was very sleepy but also VERY motivated to get up
nested dreams are so brain tickly in the best way
yay my thoughts page is live!!
thanks maren for coming up with this idea, and wesley for telling me about it and helping me write my own version! ^_^
