smol thoughts

Dec 06, 2021 - 5:30PM

me, shortly after reading about attachment trauma: weird why do I feel so anxious

Dec 04, 2021 - 6:07PM

appreciating how lighting channukah candles with friends spawns conversations about religion and ritual and culture

Dec 03, 2021 - 1:45AM

!!! ^___^

Nov 29, 2021 - 1:26PM

What's done What's done What's done is done That's the way the river runs

Nothing changes Nothing changes Nothing changes anyhow

Nov 28, 2021 - 5:54PM

lists salve my problems

Nov 28, 2021 - 4:23PM

light the candles then it's 4:20 light the bong

Nov 27, 2021 - 10:25PM

ok i'm pretty sure the light in my room (if it's on) goes off at exactly 10:24pm every evening

Nov 27, 2021 - 4:08PM

might fuck around and learn french

Nov 25, 2021 - 11:30PM

the ringing in my right ear is about 1930 Hz

Nov 16, 2021 - 9:19AM

Nov 14, 2021 - 7:07PM

me, shortly after reading a chapter about burnout: weird why do I feel so anxious

Nov 14, 2021 - 3:20PM

I need to remember to go out into the sun before it starts getting cold at like 3pm

Nov 09, 2021 - 5:41PM

been thinking again about how someone putting themselves down for being bad at something is often more unpleasant to be around than just someone being bad at something

like in partner dancing, i'd much rather dance with someone who is confident and friendly and having fun and messing up a bunch of moves, than someone who is messing up moves and super ashamed of it

the connection matters more than the skill

(skill is important too, though :p)

Nov 09, 2021 - 4:53PM

for the first time in a while I posted something on a platform that has metrics for how much people engage (likes, comments) and I forgot how that makes me feel hmmm

Nov 07, 2021 - 6:24AM

having a lot of small back to back nightmarish dreams and not into it

Nov 06, 2021 - 10:45PM

i think there are different kinds of confidence, different ways of expressing confidence. a difference between the confidence i want to be and the confidence that scares me in others. i can't quite put my finger on it yet, but i think it has something to do with how much space the confidence takes up in social interactions. but everyone gives and takes space differently. yeah idk

Nov 05, 2021 - 12:23PM

gonna be on an alumni panel tomorrow run by the computer science club of the university i went to, and am planning to spew some anticapitalist propaganda

Oct 31, 2021 - 5:41PM

i sure have a Type and i'm not happy about it

Oct 29, 2021 - 8:53AM

hair's gone now

Oct 27, 2021 - 4:28PM

getting pretty good at napping

Oct 26, 2021 - 6:02PM

dammit my hair really does bring me a lot of joy

Oct 26, 2021 - 12:12PM

singing all of the ultimate showdown from memory hypes me up every time

Oct 26, 2021 - 9:59AM

is it relationship anarchy or is it relationship libertarianism

Oct 25, 2021 - 10:09AM

shame masking anger // anger masking shame

Oct 24, 2021 - 11:05PM

naps to the sound of rain

yoga and tea to the sound of rain

bananagrams to the sound of rain

Oct 23, 2021 - 2:37PM

“capitalism is just nonconsensual findom”

Oct 18, 2021 - 1:43PM

that feel when you message someone's number, don't know if they have signal, but then see the second checkmark show up ^_^

Oct 17, 2021 - 7:18PM

the real issue I have with polysecure is that it doesn't use the oxford comma

Oct 17, 2021 - 1:04AM

confident and capable (and it feels so good)

Oct 15, 2021 - 2:24PM

muni and bart have distinctly different scents

Oct 15, 2021 - 1:18PM

drinking $10 juice through a paper straw

Oct 13, 2021 - 12:17AM

put a small temporary tattoo over my eyelid and it looks ridiculous

Oct 10, 2021 - 11:03PM

feeling very alone

Oct 09, 2021 - 5:56PM

feeling a lot of love for a lot of people

Oct 08, 2021 - 6:54PM

revolutionizing book clubs

Oct 07, 2021 - 3:00PM

over 24 hours with hives on a lot of my body, been enjoying showing them to people for their :o reactions

Oct 06, 2021 - 3:33PM

getting braver day by day

Oct 04, 2021 - 2:00AM

friendship is fucking powerful

Oct 03, 2021 - 4:08PM

you taught me how to trust myself

Oct 02, 2021 - 9:20PM

is it a scam or is it just bad design

Sep 29, 2021 - 9:09PM

“graffiti is the lichen of a city”

Sep 27, 2021 - 10:27AM

the head makes things worse

Sep 25, 2021 - 9:41AM

using substances to remember what it feels like to be less inhibited, noticing how good that can feel, practicing being less inhibited while sober. training.

Sep 24, 2021 - 9:55PM

it's so fun talking to people about how people kiss

Sep 24, 2021 - 12:15PM

“i think it's beautiful to dive into a problem not knowing whether it's solvable or not, or to dive into projects not knowing whether they'll lead to completion or to any reward and to just do it anyway. almost as if you were living your life as your life and not as a results factory for someone else. allowing yourself that kind of vulnerability means sometimes things hurt, sometimes thing don't work out, and sometimes we never know why.”


Sep 23, 2021 - 10:03AM

Show the way so we can see

Show the way the world could be

If you can do it, so can she

If she can do it, so can we

Show the way

Show the way the world could be

Show the way so we believe

Sep 22, 2021 - 12:02PM

therapist: are there any parts of your life you can feel secure in right now?

me: 😬

Sep 22, 2021 - 9:44AM

happy birthday to my mom's ghost

Sep 21, 2021 - 1:00PM

always a little too ambitious tilting the cup back

Sep 20, 2021 - 7:14PM

It's been a lot rarer for me to look in the mirror and like what I see for the past few months, idk what's up with that

Sep 20, 2021 - 5:21PM

getting my ears pierced!!!

Sep 19, 2021 - 8:29PM

been having so many conversations recently with people excited about the things i'm thinking about, and who are thinking about things i'm excited about, and it's very energizing <3

maybe some time soon i'll stop waking up feeling like my chest is folding in on itself

Sep 18, 2021 - 10:27PM

walk, walk, fashion baby, work it, move that bitch crazy

Sep 17, 2021 - 2:17PM

reading as meditation? when my thoughts wander (and it's okay when they do) go back to the page. learning to be more aware of and compassionate towards thoughts, help them not totally prevent me from doing tasks

Sep 17, 2021 - 12:30PM

i too have Thoughts about folks from hacker news coming through, and they are mostly negative

sometimes i feel like some people in tech (me) have the most contempt for tech people

Sep 16, 2021 - 11:59PM

love the feeling of wind blowing through my hair as i ride an ebike with no helmet

Sep 14, 2021 - 9:54PM

spacious little life transition moment yummm

Sep 09, 2021 - 11:28PM

bought me a new pyjama shirt from da share zone and very excited about it

Sep 09, 2021 - 11:11PM

sometimes i catch glimpses of a me filled with energy or calm or excitement or creativity, and existing in that body gives me hope for my future

Sep 07, 2021 - 1:25AM

went on a date and they wrapped me in their blanket for my walk home 🥺

Sep 01, 2021 - 10:59PM

put they/them on a name tag for the first time tonight ^__^

Aug 31, 2021 - 7:39PM

the relationship lasted as long as the average marriage, so at least there's that

Aug 30, 2021 - 6:09PM

notifications don't work if they only come through once you've already opened the app

Aug 30, 2021 - 2:28PM

been having a rough time

Aug 27, 2021 - 2:08PM

apparently i've been conditioning my hair wrong??

Aug 27, 2021 - 12:45PM

do dating apps make built-in chat really bad on purpose to encourage people to switch to their preferred texting clients? 🤔🤔

Aug 25, 2021 - 2:55PM

wearing socks without holes is pretty good and i forgot

Aug 25, 2021 - 1:53AM

fading in and out of consciousness and catching whiffs of dreams

Aug 23, 2021 - 12:10PM

escaping the local maxima

Aug 19, 2021 - 4:45PM

do I wanna pierce my ears?

Aug 18, 2021 - 2:50PM

i put my hands on my hips to air out my pits

Aug 18, 2021 - 11:32AM

kind of in awe of how hard it is to ask for things i want

Aug 17, 2021 - 10:31AM

it's taken a lot of self-control to not turn this thoughts page into constant emo anxiety posting over the last several weeks

Aug 17, 2021 - 7:47AM

playing milk & honey and laying on the bed as a machine outside hums the tonic note

Aug 16, 2021 - 2:45PM

ate all the pieces of a gummy sushi pack

Aug 14, 2021 - 7:32PM


brush tooth

brush tooth!

Aug 14, 2021 - 9:17AM

i wanna get high and go to museums more

Aug 12, 2021 - 8:58PM

regularly breaking down in worry about being so anxious really feels like a there's always a bunch of fresh kindling floating around my brain waiting for little sparks to set it aflame

Aug 12, 2021 - 4:06PM

believe children are capable of complex thoughts and feelings, and they might even share some with you

Aug 11, 2021 - 2:03PM

anxious longjumper

Aug 11, 2021 - 10:34AM

there's a mosquito bite on my palm which is sort of impressive

Aug 10, 2021 - 7:01PM

thinking about changing my notebook timestamps to numbers – i find month words so much easier to think about, but also it's not very prettily aligned (august is way longer than july)

OH i can just do three letter month abbreviations in monospace? let's see how that goes

Aug 06, 2021 - 10:12AM

singing in a room without big or soft furniture, very good

Aug 05, 2021 - 9:08PM


Aug 04, 2021 - 4:56PM

the more inconvenient it is for you the more covid-safe it is, that's how you can tell

Aug 04, 2021 - 3:39PM

now the game is how efficiently can i make myself cry after feeling v anxious, since that at least releases the awful physical sensation

Aug 03, 2021 - 8:46PM

people want to take care of me

Aug 02, 2021 - 7:01PM

is kissing more femme people solely to challenge engrained comp-het beliefs …problematic? or is it praxis?

Aug 02, 2021 - 6:14PM

a friendship framework someone once shared with me:

Interpersonal- Am I { happy | safe | inspired | playful } around this person?- Does this person bring new ideas or perspectives into my life?- Do I grow around this person?- Do we share common interests?

Organizational- Does this person proactively {make plans | reach out }?- What is the mental and time cost of making and executing plans with this person?- Do I see/interact with this person serendipitously?

Extrapersonal- Does this person bring new { people | places | hobbies | communities } into my life?

Aug 01, 2021 - 7:27PM

apparently this brand of headaches also comes with being able to hear my eyes move around sometimes, so that's cool

Aug 01, 2021 - 7:21PM

someone once told me that they keep seeing couples where a woman is wearing a mask and a man is not, and now i see this everywhere

Aug 01, 2021 - 3:14PM

it's funny how so many of my friends and i are all like “i want to be friends with more people who don't work in tech” but also we all work in tech and these are my friends

Aug 01, 2021 - 2:58PM

overheard Trouble in the corner store and now this beautiful piece of art is stuck in my head

Jul 31, 2021 - 2:03PM

do i want to make a series of posts interviewing people who decided to quit their jobs and not work indefinitely? why they did it, what went into the decision-making process, what they've gotten out of it

Jul 31, 2021 - 10:25AM

sleeped 14 hours???

Jul 30, 2021 - 7:58PM

brain hurty

i wanna be a mermaid

Jul 27, 2021 - 8:47AM

how much of me crying in public more is me being more anxious and how much of it is me making progress on being less ashamed of being anxious

Jul 26, 2021 - 6:10PM

I want a nice soft place to land / I want to lie down forever

Jul 25, 2021 - 5:06PM

jealous of your joy

Jul 15, 2021 - 4:08PM

i don't want to be promoted if a prerequisite is complaining less about problems at work

Jul 14, 2021 - 2:41PM

body goes a h h h h

Jul 11, 2021 - 1:28PM

gonna start contributing monthly to a personal fund for buying art, so that it's (hopefully) easier to buy more expensive things i really like

Jul 09, 2021 - 5:27PM

cat nap 😻

Jul 01, 2021 - 11:00AM

wow i'm using discord for community home comms and really wishing zulip had better UX/UI because i reallllly want its core features for community home chats T_T

Jun 30, 2021 - 10:40PM

been finding more weird stuff in the lint trap (i.e. not lint) since doing laundry for someone who uses pant pockets

Jun 28, 2021 - 11:17PM

wish I got referral bonuses from my therapist

Jun 27, 2021 - 12:07PM

journalling is magic, though possibly also I've trained/cursed my brain to keep thinking about something unpleasant until I've gotten a chance to write it down

Jun 27, 2021 - 11:51AM

“Don’t hate the player, hate the systemic incentive gradients that motivated their behavior.” source

Jun 23, 2021 - 10:00PM

self-compassion for self-contempt

Jun 23, 2021 - 6:59PM

hug my friends goodbye

Jun 21, 2021 - 6:08PM

impact play with sweetarts rope leaves impressive marks

Jun 21, 2021 - 1:37PM

turns out it's possible to cry for reasons other than emotional overwhelm

Jun 20, 2021 - 8:48PM

I'm delicious 😋 43 mosquitoes can attest to that

Jun 18, 2021 - 10:38PM

sulfuric farts

Jun 15, 2021 - 10:28PM


Jun 14, 2021 - 7:03PM

my hair was last cut 2 years ago damnn

tho i love the way it tickles my waist when i wear crop tops

Jun 11, 2021 - 9:46PM

twitter bad. garden good.

Jun 11, 2021 - 9:23PM

I've been told I'm basic, but not any particular cohesive kind of basic, more like a smattering of different types of basic

so I'm basic, but not in a basic way

Jun 08, 2021 - 10:40PM

I seem to have developed a pretty good intuition for when my toothbrush timer will go off

May 25, 2021 - 3:59PM

sour skittles are sooo sour and delicious

May 19, 2021 - 8:22AM

maybe I have enough energy to start reading nonfiction again?

May 18, 2021 - 10:41PM

collaborating with others to create something is one of the best feelings

May 14, 2021 - 4:23PM

how am I supposed to focus when all I want to do is cuddle

May 10, 2021 - 10:10PM

so happy for my friends and i that we can now nerd out about how to kiss new people

May 09, 2021 - 2:00PM

he was in my dreams again

May 01, 2021 - 10:37PM

the placebo effect of “maybe it's just placebo effect”

Apr 24, 2021 - 3:16PM

in the past week I've seen two dogs that, while playing fetch, return the ball by gently placing it on the walkway and letting it roll down back to the person who threw it

Apr 18, 2021 - 9:11PM

looking at pictures of me in my old room where i lived for over a year

missing that homey happy feeling so much

Apr 15, 2021 - 8:48AM

a thought from 3 years ago:

I really like being in parks (especially Washington Square Park in NY) and the feeling you get in them where it’s like nothing else in your life matters and it’s just you and the grass and the sun, and it’s so calming and grounding. When you enter a park, the other people there also feel that way. It’s a place everyone goes to escape the rest of life. People playing on swings, or biking/running, sitting on a bench and doodling, etc. These are the kinds of people around you and so you also feel this calmness. Kind of like studying and libraries, or parties and being open/having fun. It’s neat how the atmosphere of physical spaces can be shaped so strongly by the things people do in them and how people feel in them.

Apr 12, 2021 - 8:48PM

very good day today, so many good things!

Apr 12, 2021 - 10:12AM

new moon new me

Apr 08, 2021 - 6:20PM

a stranger was mean to me :(

Apr 07, 2021 - 9:38PM

I gave some writing review this week, and recieved some helpful and collaborative feedback on my own writing, and it reminded me of how fun and creative and strategic and satisfying writing can be. It's so nice to feel that curiosity again. I want to remember that writing isn't only satisfying in the attention I get for it, but in the ways I can take an idea and express them in clear and/or interesting ways. Though I guess part of what defines something being clear or interesting is in how people read it? Which just comes back to writing being so much more fun as a collaborative activity.

Communication and collaboration!! <33

Apr 07, 2021 - 2:48PM

I put some small marshmallows into my hot chocolate but then they dissolved. Gotta gobble them up quick!

Apr 05, 2021 - 9:22AM

every workplace should have (good) training for how to run and participate in meetings effectively

Apr 04, 2021 - 5:07PM

What comes first, the green light or the white man?

Apr 04, 2021 - 5:07PM

Why do most English letters rhyme?? Makes it so hard to spell things out for people

Apr 02, 2021 - 9:38PM

coat on coat off

Apr 02, 2021 - 8:53PM

why am i so afraid of being uninteresting

Mar 27, 2021 - 2:18PM

What's the difference between real and perceived power?

Mar 27, 2021 - 9:58AM

sometimes I think about how much more interesting I could be if I wasn't sad so often. but what a sad thought…

Mar 24, 2021 - 8:47PM

for months i've desperately wanted to do more long-form writing and also found even the idea of it exhausting. i'm taking a week off work next week and would love to end up doing a bunch of writing. we'll see!

Mar 22, 2021 - 9:59PM

my phone won't load gmail or zulip without immediately crashing, so I guess that's one way to address my phone addiction (or at least, limit any access to work things)

Mar 21, 2021 - 4:51PM

fuck covid

Mar 20, 2021 - 11:36AM

i miss choir

Mar 14, 2021 - 6:59PM

guilt as an ego thing /// moving away from “i'm bad for doing that” (focused on other's perception of myself) towards just caring for others and myself

Mar 13, 2021 - 9:04PM

i keep panicking in video games and spamming buttons without paying attention to when the enemy is going to attack me (which would have helped me properly dodge the attacks)

and hmmm “panic less, and pay attention more so you can learn more” seems like a good life motto

but it's so hard!!

Mar 11, 2021 - 9:23PM

i told myself i'd stream hades for 45min then stop to go to sleep if no one joined

and 45min later was like, aww too bad no one ended up watching, and went to end the stream, but turns out i never started it 🙈

but anyways i feel like i'm finally feeling competent with the spear!!

Mar 09, 2021 - 10:14PM

I like the smell of the gunk underneath my toenails

Mar 07, 2021 - 5:16PM

wise words from my journal three years ago:

Mar 05, 2021 - 8:43AM

I wish it was more socially acceptable to talk about poop

Mar 04, 2021 - 6:22PM

proud to have consumed coffee fairly responsibly today

(i keep craving this vanilla coldbrew from a nearby coffeeshop, but coffee often makes me v anxious fuzzy-brained, so i drank half and put the other half in the fridge)

Feb 28, 2021 - 8:32AM

when looking into fixing a problem exacerbates the impact of the problem

Feb 26, 2021 - 10:57AM

you gotta consider emoji support if you're making a dark mode

Feb 25, 2021 - 7:40AM

recently learned that snafu is an (excellent) acronym

Feb 23, 2021 - 10:02AM

stop calling things “covid safe”, you can't make anything perfectly safe, you can only do some set of things to help it be safer

(but if you don't say that set of things, then it's extremely vague how safe it is!!!!)

Feb 21, 2021 - 2:39PM

after years of quirky mismatched socks wearing, I'm finally pairing up my socks when they come out of the laundry :o

Feb 20, 2021 - 7:27PM

I beat the final boss of Hades on my first try!!!

Feb 18, 2021 - 8:49AM

playing Hades has gotten the one song I know from Hadestown (Epic III) stuck in my head a lot and now I'm thinking I might want to watch/listen to the whole thing

Feb 17, 2021 - 2:47PM

looks like I'm putting my workplace on a PIP again

Feb 16, 2021 - 12:20PM

wow the dunking face in ice cold water trick actually works, cool

Feb 14, 2021 - 7:46PM

can one person be another's valentine but not vice versa?

Feb 13, 2021 - 4:57PM

Just passed three ~9-year-olds on the street. One was eating a pushpop, another was eating a ringpop, the third was eating fundip.

Feb 09, 2021 - 2:48PM

five clicks to get through burrito checkout is too many

Feb 06, 2021 - 4:56PM

me (wearing a company-branded baseball cap backwards): do I look cool?

alan (absentmindedly): yeah!

alan: you look very silly

me: …silly isn't cool! :c

Feb 04, 2021 - 10:23PM

there's this thing i learned in therapy where if you can't stop crying you can dunk your head in ice water and it helps you calm down, and I've been waiting for a chance to try it but jokes on me ice water sounds like no fun in the winter

Feb 01, 2021 - 2:07PM

“this is a safe space” is meaningless and makes assumptions. if you want to help people feel safe, describe the ways the space is set up to try to help people feel safer.

Jan 30, 2021 - 2:03PM

today, I really miss high school orchestra

Jan 28, 2021 - 2:00PM

I don't like how cold rainy season is but I am so loving the sound of rain <3

Jan 24, 2021 - 9:45PM

buying things online has definitely become much easier since i added my credit card to my password manager

Jan 24, 2021 - 7:12PM

friends helping me build video game skills has been very fun and rewarding

Jan 21, 2021 - 10:52PM

sometimes I wish I could emoji react to emoji reactions

Jan 20, 2021 - 4:12PM

I wanna be held

Jan 17, 2021 - 6:50PM

i love watching people in skate parks, i love the skater aesthetic. maybe i'd learn to ride a skateboard but i think my risk tolerance is too low for that

Jan 16, 2021 - 8:22PM

oh I already said that

Jan 16, 2021 - 8:21PM

getting real tired of being tired

Jan 16, 2021 - 3:08PM

tired of being tired

Jan 11, 2021 - 6:56PM

i keep thinking of things to write notebook posts about and then convincing myself it's not worth it

Jan 08, 2021 - 7:08PM

retail therapy

but buying something i've been meaning to buy for months and procrastinated deciding on


Jan 03, 2021 - 9:40PM

pair programming is just so much fun sometimes <3 programming and making things can be such a joy

Jan 03, 2021 - 12:02AM

deliberately not writing down project ideas, to avoid them becoming burdenful todo list items that I regularly consider and think “nah not now” as I condition myself to never be excited about them again

Jan 01, 2021 - 6:51PM

i wanna be in a musical some day

Dec 29, 2020 - 2:14PM

“use vacation time to do cool things i’ve been wanting to do and exited about” vs. “use vacation time to just lay in the sun for hours and have zero expectations of myself”

(yes, i can have minimal structure or expectations of myself and still end up doing cool things)

Dec 29, 2020 - 10:33AM

Picked up some food today, and then, for the first time all year, wished I could sit inside the restaurant to eat it :c

Dec 28, 2020 - 12:52PM

too tired to think clearly?

too hungry to think clearly…?

… too tired to be hungry enough to eat enough to think clearly??

Dec 26, 2020 - 12:20PM

shovelling food into the calorie hole

Dec 23, 2020 - 4:13PM

I regularly think about how I kinda want all my journals (and maybe also correspondences with people?) to be open for people to read after I die - but this also could hurt people or reveal other people's personal things and yeah idk seems complicated

Dec 22, 2020 - 4:47PM

shaved one of my legs a few days ago and haven't gotten around to shaving the other one yet

Dec 21, 2020 - 6:28PM

i say i spend maybe too much time hanging out with friends, but also

damn talking to friends is so often interesting and motivating and energizing

Dec 21, 2020 - 3:20PM

I've almost memorized all the street names of a 10x18 grid I've lived within during most of my time living in SF, and I feel like that's pretty neat

Dec 20, 2020 - 4:41PM

life hack: put the PJs in front of the heater for a lil while before putting them on

Dec 17, 2020 - 11:25AM

shower timeeee and the livin is easy

Dec 13, 2020 - 3:11PM

today i learned the word “petrichor”

Dec 12, 2020 - 6:06PM

turns out my channukah candles are no-drip and the way that works (or so my dad says) is there's an outer layer of wax that burns more slowly so it makes a tiny cup for the melted wax as it vaporizes so that's pretty neat

Dec 11, 2020 - 1:58PM

one of my favorite parts of exercising in winter is it makes me toasty warm

Dec 06, 2020 - 12:07PM

perhaps i would like to get better at controlling how detail-oriented i am. sometimes i review a piece of writing or a PR and really should only be commenting on high level things. but all the wrong details are so distracting. maybe the solution is to still notice them and just not comment on them

Dec 05, 2020 - 11:13PM

feels good to do writing review for people and say things they find helpful!

Dec 01, 2020 - 2:50PM

I keep finding mysterious shallow cuts on my thumbs, where do they come from?

Nov 28, 2020 - 11:53AM

had some weird dreams last night, mostly forgot them at this point, but i think they were mildly stressful but not close to nightmare level of stress

i wonder how much the emotional quality of my dreams affects how restful my sleep is

Nov 27, 2020 - 7:12PM

the sky was really pretty tonight around sunset with an almost full moon, and I tried to take a picture, but of course the moon was too small. it's weird how the moon seems so much bigger when I see it directly but not when I take pictures with my phone? why???

Nov 27, 2020 - 5:39PM

keep catching up with people and just sharing all the meh things happening in my life lately, realizing maybe i don't actually want to talk about those things with people and think about it all again? gotta find some other things to talk about with friends

Nov 26, 2020 - 4:42PM

been thinking about reading a bunch again, made a goal to abandon 20 books (i.e. read at least a chapter and not finish)

Nov 24, 2020 - 10:14PM

i'm most motivated to clean right when i'm supposed to be getting ready for bed, because the only thing i want to avoid more than cleaning is getting ready for bed

Nov 24, 2020 - 12:15PM

It's weird hearing everyone talk about Thanksgiving as this big thing. I could say it feels weird because it's a colonialist holiday or that holidays in general often feel weird to me, and that's some of why, but I think it's mostly that I never really celebrated Thanksgiving (even Canadian Thanksgiving growing up) and I don't have any sentimental attachment to it while it seems like a lot of other people do.

Nov 23, 2020 - 9:10PM

me: writing something complaining about how long pieces of writing is mostly just fluff

also me: taking a previous draft of this writing and making it longer

Nov 21, 2020 - 11:25PM

constant tension between “leave that thing out so that I'm inspired to interact with it more” (books, instruments, art supplies) and “ugh there's too much clutter, put things away out of sight”

Nov 17, 2020 - 2:56PM

the sound of rain is so pretty and calming <3

Nov 16, 2020 - 3:11PM

who the fuck would think it's a good idea to respond to “I don't think you understand what I'm saying” with “I completely understand what you're saying”

Nov 16, 2020 - 2:46PM

when will i learn to just fucking eat before my brain becomes a hungry mush 🙃

Nov 15, 2020 - 9:51AM

thinking about diversity of inspiration, iteration on existing ideas, the feeling of ownership and creative energy

Nov 15, 2020 - 9:42AM

good morning, garden 🌱

Nov 15, 2020 - 9:29AM

testing thoughts from a form page

Nov 12, 2020 - 7:41PM

feeling afraid of lonliness and dark evenings alone in my studio

i could finally study jazz, i could finally learn several things i've been wanting to, or read more, but i'm just feeling this itching for making something big?

like, i kinda want a project, a longer term thing with several fairly different pieces that all have to come together over a longish period if time (with checkpoints of partially complete versions along the way). sort of feels like i want a big coding project?

but do i actually want a big coding project? :/ what non-coding things feel like this? what (coding or not) would feel meaningful or useful or cool?

seems not ideal to chase a feeling rather than a specific idea, but i guess i'll keep the idea-prongs out there

Nov 11, 2020 - 11:06PM

wow i set up my phone to be able to write thoughts from it! with code on my phone!!

Nov 10, 2020 - 4:53PM

organizational initiative as a love language

Nov 07, 2020 - 7:05PM

i downloaded a new habit app again. thinking of just having a list of all the things I might enjoy doing and not worrying too much about doing them a lot. just keeping them there are a reminder. it's nice to switch up habit systems regularly, since i feel like like it's nice to have a sense of novelty, and it's an opportunity to switch up how i'm doing things

Nov 06, 2020 - 11:22AM

watching a health care enrollment zoom presentation right now, is strange and unnerving on so many levels

Oct 21, 2020 - 4:21PM

i wonder when i'll stop having dreams about flirting with my childhood crush

Oct 20, 2020 - 5:16PM

i want to expand my pod and everyone's covid safety-precuation situation is so complex and i hate how much effort it takes to have these conversations to the depth that i want mrah!! communication is hard but important

Oct 14, 2020 - 8:17PM

i think i underappreciate reading as a low-key activity

like, even if i'm not in the mood to read, the act of sitting around and staring into space and thinking when i'm not actually reading – it feels relaxing in a way that sitting around without anything in particular to do often isn't

Oct 14, 2020 - 8:14PM

been observing more consciously when i feel like listening to music vs not, and when songs are especially stuck in my head

it seems like songs being annoyingly stuck in my head is correlated with anxiety (like, there is stickiness to the song the way there is stickiness to my thoughts)

and also when life feels too stimulating, generally music also feels too stimulating (though this isn't always the case)

still haven't found any fully consistent patterns, but it's interesting to notice

Oct 12, 2020 - 10:03PM

new 2020 goal: be one of those couples laying down snuggling in the park in the sunshine

Oct 07, 2020 - 6:24PM

why are so many things bad –> maybe my standards are just really high –> wow i'm so pretentious –> but also dammit i wish people were more competent at things

trying to move away from the good/bad dichotomy

but !!! !!!!!

Oct 02, 2020 - 9:20PM

i feel like i'm getting better at reading, or at least getting more practice in it

sometimes i'll read a sentence i don't understand and decide to just move on, i'd like to maybe learn to do that even more?

i'm in a book club and we're reading some essays that are hard to understand easily, and i feel like despite feeling confused while reading the essays, i come out on the other end knowing approximately what the author was trying to say and that's extremely satisfying

i also enjoy taking notes on pieces of the writing i find confusing but seem like they might be interesting, as conversation starters, and that's been working nicely too

Sep 27, 2020 - 10:30PM

biking is such a great time for thinking

Sep 22, 2020 - 3:06PM

from my journal a year ago:

> I keep thinking about how someone said my ‘type’ is ‘sad computer boy’ lmao > > I feel like it's more ‘quiet nerdy boy that is thoughtful and artsy’ (though they probably have significant overlap)

Sep 22, 2020 - 3:01PM

making this garden site is possibly the most uncomplicated very nice thing that has happened in my life for all of covid

Sep 18, 2020 - 5:59PM

look I have thoughts on this tweet

5 x 5 = 25 is Friday energy because of the fives. Friday is the fifth work week day, and Friday even looks and sounds a bit like five-day

7 x 3 = 21 is Wednesday similarly because Wednesday is three. 3 is three. 21 is 2+1=3.

7 x 7 = 49 is Thursday is a little harder, but my best guess is that 7 is the generic “better than average but not 100% of the way there” number and Thursday is the same mood. And also 4 is in 49

do other people feel this too? or am i just coming up with silly stories for feelings that cannot be explained

Sep 14, 2020 - 9:55PM

i sat down and closed my eyes, and just saw conveyor belts

anyways playing factorio has been quite fun so far

Sep 11, 2020 - 9:35PM

new name for the bishop that's easier to remember: diagonal dude

Sep 10, 2020 - 8:03PM

feeling some deep “fuck 2020” vibes rn

was grateful when i woke up and saw some sunlight, how is this my life now?

i just want to be able to go outside without the air being unhealthy to breathe?

in some ways it's comforting to share this experience with many others, but it's also hard to witness so much suffering when I am barely getting along myself

i just want to be excited with friends

i just want to feel inspired to make things

i just want to stare into a stranger's eyes and smile

i just want to sing harmonies with someone in the same space

i just want to exist in a space that isn't this house

this house is becoming the space where i am sad

how do i undo that

how do i escape?

there's nowhere to go

floating in the space between moments of fresh joy, waiting for the next one

Sep 06, 2020 - 10:02PM

big toe toenails are so big. like, if you take all the other toenails on a foot and combine them, do they even make up the size of the big toe?

Sep 05, 2020 - 10:57PM

slow streets are overrated

there are so many more people walking and biking on page than on waller which is 2 blocks further and has barely any car traffic

Sep 05, 2020 - 4:23PM

reading my journalling from a year ago and was amused by this

> It's funny, I say in my newsletter and stuff that it's hard to describe burning man, but I think I actually wrote that for burning man people who say it's hard to describe, because I don't want them to read my thing and feel like I'm simplifying it. But like, I can put words to it, it's not that hard

Sep 04, 2020 - 10:39PM

bless the sun and xer children

Aug 31, 2020 - 9:30PM

thank you, pink in the night, for being such an incredibly satisfying crying/longing song

Aug 31, 2020 - 9:56AM

wow i really like this zine

lists are just so good

Aug 30, 2020 - 9:54PM

that feeling when I've copied something but not pasted it yet and it feels like I'm holding it in my fingers, and gotta remember it's there so I don't overwrite it

and the release when I finally paste it again and am like “oh right! good, glad that's still there”

i should really install one of those things that holds my copy history … day

Aug 30, 2020 - 9:40PM

ugh sometimes I write with capital letters and sometimes i don't and it's been kinda hard to find patterns for when I'm in the mood for one or the other (does it depend where i'm writing? what i'm writing?)

definitely one thing that makes a difference is being able to use linebreaks or parens to separate ideas. I'm not really that into using only a period to separate two sentences, capital letters help with the visual separation. Usually when I end up writing a paragraph instead of a line, I'll go back and update the first letter, but I'll leave it here to make a point

also the thing that's maybe the most interesting to me is some people's names I'm more likely to use capital letters for than others? i imagine a lot of this is how people write their own names

Aug 30, 2020 - 7:39PM

been thinking about the the state of “chill”, not as absence of anxiety, but as perspective in the face of difficult situations, a trust that things will work out

i think it takes a lot of privilege to feel like things will all work out, but if i got it then i'm def gonna use it to nurture my mental health and relationships

Aug 29, 2020 - 8:52PM

i feel like a year ago i'd never have described myself as chill

but …maybe …i would now?

Aug 23, 2020 - 8:44PM

a year ago i was in a car heading to burning man… time is wild yo

Aug 19, 2020 - 10:22AM

voice calls (as opposed to video) are often less personal (bc people are distractingly looking at other things, and can't see each other's facial expressions)

but sometimes the voice call is most intimate

laying on our beds together, eyes closed, like pillow talk

Aug 17, 2020 - 5:10PM

this thought comes to you from a new laptop!! hopefully the script still works lol

Aug 16, 2020 - 9:49PM

people tell me I'm very emotive with my eyebrows and I wonder if this helps me communicate while wearing a mask ^^'

Aug 16, 2020 - 6:42PM

i feel like i've gotten pretty good at noticing opportunities for joy, pursuing them, and savouring resulting good feels

Aug 15, 2020 - 8:11PM

I REALLY LIKE WARM WEATHER and sunshine and the way the air hugs me

it's like real summer

brings back such happy summer memories

Aug 14, 2020 - 4:53PM

o shit the cad->usd is almost back at the rate i was using pre-covid (when i was halfway through moving money to usd)


Aug 11, 2020 - 9:12PM

got a mosquito bite on my ankle again, in just the worst spot where both my shoe and pant leg rub against it

Aug 07, 2020 - 11:15AM

i don't think about “acts of service” as a love language much, but wow it really is so nice when a task that feels quite difficult to me is something a loved one is happy to help me with <33

Aug 06, 2020 - 10:18PM

played myself once again by eating at weird times, such that i want to go to bed now but am suddenly very hungry

Aug 04, 2020 - 9:03PM

someone told me recently that “hope you're doing well” is a classic response for being nice to someone when they reach out but you don't actually want to have a conversation, and it's so true

Aug 02, 2020 - 6:26PM

i haven't seen my partner in over 6 months, but he found one of my hairs with some of his old hardware ^_^

Aug 02, 2020 - 4:00PM

been having a lot less thinking energy lately (or it runs out faster? am i using it more intensely?) and it's not super fun

Jul 31, 2020 - 4:35PM

took me a while to realize that when my metallic sharpies stop being metallic and more dry, I can just store them vertically (tip down) and they get shiny again

Jul 30, 2020 - 1:16PM

omg i just guessed A440 and got it right?!?!!

Jul 29, 2020 - 10:09PM

i seem to only come up with “thought” thoughts when i'm away from the computer, which is a problem because then i don't have a computer to enter them onto

Jul 29, 2020 - 10:08PM

i love a good satisfying burp, but even better is when it tastes like something delicious i ate recently

Jul 29, 2020 - 10:08PM

new yoga routine:

  1. start a shuffle of Liked Songs on spotify
  2. skim through the Play Queue to pick out songs that I feel like listening to, Add [them] To Queue
  3. build a queue of ~30min of songs, always ending with John Cage's Four 2 (which I sang several years ago and didn't appreciate as much then)
  4. make up some shit, remembering misc poses and flows from yoga classes, moving however my body feels like moving

Jul 25, 2020 - 4:14PM

i feel like i'm always eating only enough to stop being hungry, never enough to actually be full

Jul 25, 2020 - 1:43PM

i'm living with a kitty and all day she long she just sleeps, plays, curiously explores her world, and shamelessly seeks attention from the people around her. and she does this all while being extremely cute

#goals tbh

Jul 24, 2020 - 7:49PM

Someone once told me I was very wise and emotionally mature for my age, that I had so much career potential, and that I should savour that before I got older and was just normal for my age. She said that's what happened to her.

When I was young, people were really impressed with my singing and songwriting skills. I didn't spend that much time developing them, and so I feel like I'm “good” at singing now but not impressive in the way it was for me to sing well when I was seven.

I don't think this person's advice was that great, and I think if I continue to think carefully about the things I care a lot about, I can still be “remarkable” later in life (though maybe I want to reconsider my desire to be “remarkable”). But I still think about what she said every so often…

Jul 20, 2020 - 5:21PM

the attention to detail in this video brings me much calm joy

Jul 20, 2020 - 9:12AM

there's a path through the park i've found that i really enjoy, but i'm scared that if i walk through it too much it'll get boring and stop being magical :c

Jul 20, 2020 - 9:11AM

i've been mostly avoiding thinking about (and therefore missing) activities from The Days Before, but climbing a tree today reminded me of how fun rock climbing is…

Jul 19, 2020 - 3:03PM

this morning it took me like 3 or 4 tries to check the time when i woke up, which was important because i had a morning meeting. the first few times i looked, i was actually dreaming and it was a different number each time.

this actually happens to me kinda frequently, and while it's sort of annoying, i mostly find the blurring between reality and dreamland pretty fun

Jul 17, 2020 - 6:37PM

just spent an hour scrolling through every single hank green tiktok (

i….really like hank green

Jul 14, 2020 - 10:14PM

I said I was hungry and my housemate made me a grilled cheese with mushrooms and… that was the first time in months I've been fed without having to think about what I wanted or put in effort to get or prepare the food. Wow it feels real nice

Jul 11, 2020 - 7:48PM

i need to fix this thing so i can feel better —> i need to feel better so i can fix this thing

Jul 10, 2020 - 10:46PM

At some point several months ago I started a habit of wrapping up catch-up conversations with “is there anything you're looking forward to soon?” when I didn't have any other easy transition to end the conversation, and I feel like it's an A+ conversation tool. It does have the unfortunate side effect of being quite depressing if someone doesn't have anything they are looking forward to :x

Jul 09, 2020 - 4:47PM

i've been informed that the colour of my eyes is “like a rock in a clear stream” (the top left rock) and this is a very soothing thought

Jul 07, 2020 - 5:34PM

memorizing a poem is neat because I'm carefully noticing and thinking about every single word of the poem in a way I never would if I were just reading it

Jul 07, 2020 - 9:01AM

bedtime routine, 2020

I turn my phone on airplane mode to create a clean break from the internet and the apps. Bedroom and hallway lights are turned off in favour of dimmer lights like fairy lights and a nightlight in the bathroom. I open the door between my room and my housemate's room, and we chat as we stretch together, releasing tension in our bodies and minds.

bedtime routine, 2005

My mom sits on my bed and sings me goodnight songs. She sings the shm'a, since connecting to our jewish roots is important to her despite us not being particularly religious. She sings Amazing Grace, but replaces the word “wretch” with “soul”, since she is uncomfortable with calling oneself a wretch. She sings Hush Little Baby, which I can still recite from memory. She used to be self-conscious of her singing voice, but my dad helped her feel confident enough to sing lullabies. As she leaves, we say to each other: “good night, love you, see you in the morning, sweet dreams” (always those four phrases, always in that order) and then “love you!” again at the end so it's the last thing we say to each other before sleep.

rituals with people are really nice

Jul 05, 2020 - 9:59PM

a ceremony for the full moon:

--- connect to nature

  1. hold hands amongst the trees
  2. alternate naming things we can feel with our body until we have each named three
  3. name three things we can hear
  4. name three things we can see
  5. name one or two things we can smell

--- fullness of the moon // fullness of our lives

list some things you're grateful for. take moments of silence when you want to think of more things. when you feel done, say “thank you”, now it's the next person's turn

--- what would you like amplified or illuminated within you?

(each person answers)

--- connect to art

each share a poem or song with the group

Jul 03, 2020 - 8:12PM

called my friend tonight who introduced to me two terms she uses that I thought were neat

Jul 02, 2020 - 8:17PM

my housemate was memorizing a poem today, just so she could recite it whenever she felt like it. this feels very appealing to me. i've considered memorizing When I Am Among the Trees before, and maybe i'll actually do it

Jun 30, 2020 - 9:54PM

somehow over shelter-in-place i've transitioned from having my todo list mostly in asana to having misc todos and notes in a markdown file on my laptop…. seems fine? (though I probably want to put git on it and commit daily to keep some history idk)

Jun 30, 2020 - 9:22AM

writing a list of the ~30 small things weighing on my mind is extremely cathartic, would recommend

Jun 28, 2020 - 12:52PM

I've been thinking about the labels of introversion/extroversion and people who “recharge” from alone time vs people time, and I'm wondering if people identify this way because of ways they've learned to spend time alone or with people

How many “introverted” people find socializing draining because haven't developed the toolkit or social circles to help their connections with people feel energizing and nourishing? How many “extroverted” people find alone time unpleasant because they haven't figured out what solo activities they enjoy doing on their own?

Jun 28, 2020 - 8:51AM

working remotely during covid has helped me feel a lot more optimistic about being able to move out of SF to a less techy city - I'm more confident now that I could be happy working a remote job (though I'd want to work with super social/collaborative people, and idk how many of those folks would work on remote teams post-covid instead of going back to offices)

Jun 25, 2020 - 11:45PM

i moved today! some thoughts:

Jun 23, 2020 - 11:14PM

a friend was thinking about how to know when you're in love with someone and asked me about it

I have a lot of thoughts on “being in love”, which are mostly that I don't think there's a set definition for it, and lots of people experience love differently than each other, and differently at different points in a relationship, and differently for different people. These days I find it kind of strange that people say they love each other without really knowing if they're even experiencing similar kinds of love - though also, who can really know what anyone else is actually ever feeling?

Usually I label my feelings as being “in love” when I feel this deep affection for and desire to be close to someone, and it feels comfortable and just so nice. I think sometimes this is infatuation, but I would consider this a flavour of love? (and it blends into other kinds of love in ways I can't even really separate) and often I won't tell someone because that's sort of taboo to say it so quickly

The first weekend I started dating someone, they told me they loved me but also added a disclaimer for what they meant by that, and now I like to think more about what I mean when I say I'm in love with someone. Sometimes it means things like: I feel really happy around them, I trust them a lot, I deeply want good things for them

Jun 22, 2020 - 4:34PM

I wish fewer people felt self-conscious singing (esp in somewhat public spaces) but singing happy birthday seems like one of those things where it's more socially acceptable to sing it badly, which warms my heart.

Jun 22, 2020 - 4:07PM

asked my housemate about her thoughts on reading today and she said: skimming a written passage is like drinking soylent - sure you took the shortcut, but did you enjoy it?

Jun 21, 2020 - 4:15PM

the idea of being a “good” reader is appealing to me - to be able to read things quickly, read wordy things, skim a long piece of medandering writing to find takeaways…

I've talked to so many people who don't read much but say they want to, or feel like they should. I wonder if we overvalue reading, vs things like conversation or video or reading short things - all of which also educate and entertain. Why does reading a book or long article about a topic feel more legit than learning about it through blog posts, tweets, youtube videos, and conversations? (I feel like it's something about perceived depth and rigour)

But it's not just about books. There's so much content on the internet that seems useful and interesting, and if I could read faster, read more complex language, read longer passages without my eyes blurring over… that seems like it would be really great.

I go back and forth on this. Sometimes I try to build reading habits and prioritize learning through reading, and it feels good to do that in my downtime instead of scroll through social media. Sometimes I feel like it's not worth priorizing energy towards it. I haven't explicitly focused on building reading skills (I guess I assumed I'd develop them by reading more) but maybe that's something worth looking into.

Jun 19, 2020 - 4:47PM

love playing the “why does my body feel uncomfortable” game

Jun 17, 2020 - 10:01AM

shower thoughts:

Jun 16, 2020 - 5:28PM

tajin mango is sooooo good

Jun 12, 2020 - 9:11PM

I've been at my new job for just over half a year now, and it's the first job I've had in a while where I feel happy, and supported, and like I'm learning lots and working with people I trust.

I put in so much work to find a job like this, and essentially am still only here because I got lucky in many ways. I still can't believe this is real? I hope I can always set the bar this high

Jun 12, 2020 - 2:20PM

emoji reactions are often appreciated but still imo strongly underrated

they validate, show solidarity, build community culture, are opportunities for creativity and humour and play

they're just… so good

Jun 10, 2020 - 10:15PM

attention-seeking is just a flavour of connection-seeking, often with a dash of power-seeking added in

Jun 10, 2020 - 11:58AM

today's meditation: standing in the kitchen, eyes closed, enjoying warmth in my palms as I hold a bowl just taken out of the dishwasher

Jun 08, 2020 - 7:03PM

having gummy vitamins is dangerous because i get hungry and am like oo gummies no no don't eat as snacks

Jun 08, 2020 - 6:26PM hasn't been loading on my laptop for several days (but other websites work fine, and loads on my work laptop and phone) and it's so strange, and it's been fun nerdsniping people into teaching me about networking (and …nerdsniping myself into wanting to learn about technology outside of work, lol)

Jun 06, 2020 - 12:20PM

fuck my uterus (any place I post thoughts should have at least one complaint about the pain and inconvenience my uterus causes me)

Jun 05, 2020 - 9:56PM

lay down in the grass and watched clouds pass by, clouds are pretty neat

Jun 02, 2020 - 2:46PM

i think i've developed a real puzzle addiction, so i've been setting timers while i puzzle so that i force myself to get up

May 31, 2020 - 2:31PM

when i decided i wanted to send people postcards, i didn't really consider that this form of writing is generally casual and lighthearted, due to the format of it being readable by anyone

… i guess i gotta learn how to communicate like that now :p

May 30, 2020 - 4:07PM

i donated 500 dollars today

May 29, 2020 - 10:42PM

can i approach moments of deep emotional discomfort with curiosity? i learn all these strategies in therapy and whatever, and these are the moments where i get to actually try them out and see what works. i want to better understand what motivates my anxieties and anxious moments are my chance to observe them.

but alas it's so daunting and unappealing sometimes

May 28, 2020 - 8:19AM

my smol thoughts so far aren't as smol as i was expecting ^^'

May 28, 2020 - 8:16AM

how private what I write is

barrier to seeing it


discovery of new content

May 27, 2020 - 5:11AM

wasn't sure if i wanted to wake up to see the sunrise this morning

but then i had a dream where i missed my alarm and woke up at 10am and was sad

then i “woke up” into another dream where I woke up only 15 min before sunrise and was rushing to get ready and leave

then i woke up for reals, 2 min before my alarm (50 min before sunrise), and i was very sleepy but also VERY motivated to get up

nested dreams are so brain tickly in the best way

May 26, 2020 - 6:40PM

yay my thoughts page is live!!

thanks maren for coming up with this idea, and wesley for telling me about it and helping me write my own version! ^_^